Mara Jade: Mary-Sue Killer
by AmazingGraceless
Summary: Our favorite Emperor's Hand is spending her afterlife purging the fictional universes of Mary-Sues. It's time for her to take down our most hated Sue- Isabella Marie Swan.


Bella and Edward were marching across a field to the Volturi, their daughter with them. Aro grinned insanely at the little half-demon girl. What they were not aware of was the redheaded young woman in the trees.

"So this is the target Master told me about," the woman said as a smirk curled onto her face. "Excellent."

* * *

After her untimely death at the hands of her nephew, Mara Jade Skywalker had discovered other stories in the Netherworld with timelines and universes of their own that the fictional Netherworld kept tabs on.

Darth Sidious and Master Yoda thought that they would never agree on anything. This notion was quickly disposed of, however, when they both discovered Mary-Sues. Since Mara Jade Skywalker was the best Emperor's Hand, both Yoda and Sidious decided to recruit her as their official Mary-Sue killer.

It was August 2nd, 2008. There was a disturbance in the Force, the sound of thousands of fans crying out in horror only to be silenced by Seth Morgan. Every Force-sensitive in the Netherworld had heard it.

Sidious had Anakin and Padmé do the dirty work of reading the series that he suspected was the cause of this, and was horrified to discover that there was indeed a romance more horrible than his apprentice's and the former Nubian queen and senator's.

"We must do something about this _Twilight_ ," Sidious said to Yoda.

"A piece of trash, that book is," Yoda said solemnly.

"Wait, you've already read it?" Sidious exclaimed in horror.

"October 5th, 2008. Worst day of my afterlife, it was," Yoda confirmed with a shudder. "Potential, the series had, so alone, I left it. Wasted, the potential has been. Destroy this book, we must."

"We'd better send my Hand out on that wretched Mary-Sue," Sidious decided.

"I prefer the term 'Jedi Master'," Mara said loudly. "I'm not a Hand anymore."

"Technically, we have you operating as one, like when I had you do Hogwarts a favor and purge them of Ebony or Enoby, I'm not sure which name, Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way," Sidious corrected.

Mara rolled her emerald eyes. "I prefer Mary-Sue Killer in this case," she said. "So what assignment do you have for me this time, Master?"

Sidious grew serious and stopped reminiscing over Enoby/Ebony's death, and pulled on gloves, not wanting his skin to touch that waste of paper ever again, and he wordlessly pushed the book to her.

Mara refused the urge to puke at the cover of _Twilight_ , and looked up at the former Grandmaster and Emperor.

"You mean I finally get to rid the fictional universe of Bella Swan?" She asked, her features lighting up in delight.

"Has everyone read this but me?" Sidious cried, throwing his hands up.

"Unfortunately," Mara muttered under her breath. "Can I get rid of that misogynistic sparklepire too?"

"Do what is necessary, you must," Yoda said with a nod.

"You won't regret this!" She said, and the former Emperor's Hand practically skipped out of the room to the _Jade's Fire_ , and she flew it into the _Twilight_ universe.

Which brings us back to our beginning.

* * *

"Half mortal, half immortal," Aro said after he laughed like cat having a stroke. "How fascinating indeed."

Bella pulled her warm child closer to her, not liking anyone talking about Renesseme without her permission. They then went back, and Alice walked forward to show the Volturi her vision as Bella began to use her all-powerful shield.

Mara just couldn't stand to watch any longer. The Jedi Knight walked right down the middle. The eyes of the Volturi and the Cullen Alliance were upon her. She walked as regally as she did in her Imperial days. She shielded herself so that Edward couldn't sense her.

Fictional guys like Edward made her love Luke even more.

"What are you doing?" Bella asked. "You're just a pathetic human, weak and slow. You're going to get hurt."

Mara laughed so hard she started to cry. "You-you think I-I'm going to get hurt? Ha! That's rich, I'll have to tell Farmboy that one!"

"Why can't I hear you?" Edward demanded.

"Aw, that's cute, now Miss Swan isn't so 'speshul' anymore," Mara sneered.

"I'm Bella Cullen," Bella corrected, drawing her child closer. She didn't like this newcomer, mostly because she was living. Humans were so beneath her!

"Well, anyway, Deadward, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to tell you," she allowed. "I can shield myself in my mind. Take that! I can conceal my presence as well. You can't read me in the Force."

"The Force?" Bella frowned. "You mean like in that nerd-"

"The Force! It surrounds us, binds us, penetrates us, and gives us life! It allows me to sense your thoughts and emotions, to conceal and shield myself, to run faster, to have better reflexes, and more," she explained.

She then tried to decide which lightsaber would suit her better-her magenta one, or the Skywalker heirloom? She went with the heirloom, because she was proud of being in the family of the Chosen One.

The blue blade hummed to life, and the Cullens started snickering.

"You think that this is some glowstick that won't hurt you?" Mara asked. "Think again, Meyerpires." With that, she sliced Edward in half, and he erupted into flames.

"EDWARD! NOO!" Bella wailed, and she went into a fetal position.

"Mommy?" Nessie asked.

Bella just sobbed in fetal position. Jacob was about to scoop up his imprintee when Mara stopped him with her lightsaber.

"Hold it right there, pedophile," she snarled. "I might let you live since technically it's Meyer's fault that you changed. You gotta get rid of the imprinting though. It's creepy!"

Jacob obeyed the lightsaber lady.

"Wh-Who are you?" Bella sobbed.

"I'm Mara Jade Skywalker," she said.

"So you are from that nerd thing," she said.

"I am from _Star Wars_ ," Mara acknowledged. "A much better franchise than this one."

"But no one's better than-"

"Wait!" A middle-aged woman that looked suspiciously like Bella with a laptop appeared. "Bella's going to fight for Edward and then impale herself because she cannot live without him."

Mara snorted. "Good luck with that."

The woman typed something, smiled, and disappeared.

Bella got up, rage in her red eyes, and she pulled out a lightsaber as golden as the Cullens' eyes. She began using impossible acrobatic moves, but Mara merely pushed her away or blocked with her lightsaber.

They were then parrying.

"I'm going to win because I'm stronger!" Bella boasted. "I'm fueled by the power of love!"

Mara raised her eyebrow. "Don't get too cocky."

With that, she disarmed Bella, cutting off a bit of her hand, but unfortunately she didn't burst into flames.

"Too bad I didn't get a cross guard," Bella whined, looking at her stump of a hand as the detached hand burned. "I'm such a good role model and a strong female character!"

"This is what a strong female character looks like!" Mara sneered and she drove her lightsaber into the heart of Bella Swan, who erupted into flames. Mara then looked around as she twirled her lightsaber expertly. "Where is Leah Clearwater?"

The woman de-wolfed and approached Mara with a look of respect.

"I've wanted to do that for ages," she said.

"Unfortunately, Bella's not the only one of her kind out there," Mara said. "I'm offering you, Leah, a chance to join the Mary-Sue Killers, and you can escape this canon." She held out her magenta lightsaber to give to Leah.

She grinned and took it.

"Embry!" Mara shouted. The boy ran up to her, excited.

"Yes, Mara Jade Skywalker?" Embry asked.

"This is your offer to join the Mary-Sue Killers as well," Mara told him.

"YES!" Embry pumped his fist. "See you suckers later! Goodbye sucky Wolfpack, goodbye racist Cullens!"

The new trio loaded onto the _Jade's Fire_ and flew away.


End file.
